she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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