The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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