i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
