I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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