It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
