It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
