It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
