when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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