I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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