listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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