and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
