Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
