We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Drunk walkin through police station. America
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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