his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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