dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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