giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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