im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
now i know why i became what i already was.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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