anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Is her dick bigger than yours?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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