I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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