In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
