Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
