my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Is Oprah even human
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
