i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
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I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
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Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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