Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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