Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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