The maid of honor just puked.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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