I like to think it a success when the cops are called
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
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I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.