Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i think i have two assholes
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
