She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
