New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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