Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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