i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
