that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
