what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
