I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
