Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
