I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
