Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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