Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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