apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
