the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
