Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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