when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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