Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
