he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
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Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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