Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.