Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
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