my phone needs a breathalizer
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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