Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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