I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Randomize
