Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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