made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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