I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
