I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
