Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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