im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
