someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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