Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Come back. Shots need mouths.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
