really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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