My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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